Last episode I talked about  the effect EQ has on our careers and lives. I promised to dive into self-awareness and self-management. Because for many, self-awareness doesn’t come easily.  We’re not taught it.  And this affects us as adults and most definitely affects us professionally. 

Not understanding ourselves can cause us to act in ways that erodes trust, impact and  credibility.  E.g., Let’s say two peers are co-leading a project team, Terry and Nicole.  Each wanted to lead the project independently.  So, there’s some tension in the relationship and frustration about how each of them leads.  Terry is concerned about Nicole’s lack of speed and understanding of project scope.  Nicole is irritated about Terry’s constant interruptions and feels dismissed.  They're not having fun.  While they remain professional, of course the team picks up on the bad juju.  

Too stressed, neither takes the time to understand their own emotions--what they're feeling & why.  Instead they ignore them, pretend they’re okay or compartmentalize them until they can go home and 1. Exercise their demons, 2. Eat their feelings, or 3. Complain about them to others who have no idea of the real dynamics of the situation.

This example highlights professional vulnerability and impact that occurs from a lack of self-awareness, and the lack of constructive self-management.  Because to build trust in the relationship and create a positive team environment, Nicole and Terry would need to talk.  To one another.  And share their feelings (without attacking or blaming).  And show empathy for the other.

Maybe in your world, this occurs.  People show up with clarity about emotions, manage them in a healthy constructive manner, choose to empathize, and have transparent, authentic conversations where intentions are good, open mindedness is demonstrated and resolution is ensured.  If so, I want to be on your team.

There are costs to not strengthening this area...anxiety, stress, ruminating,  poor dynamics that impact the speed and quality of our work.  And the quality, integrity and trust in our relationships.  

So, here are 3 practices for the next week:

1.      Get in touch with your emotions.  Travis Bradberry’s research suggests we have about 400 emotional experiences a day.  Pay attention to yours.  Note the physical sensations in your body.  Notice them.  Label them.  Keep a log.
2.      Understand the thoughts that are causing the emotions.  Emotions don’t just happen.  They are caused by our thoughts.  If Nicole thinks Terry is disrespectful and Terry doesn’t think Nicole has a clue—these thoughts cause the emotions.  Be the watcher of your thoughts.  3.      Consider how you want to manage your emotions.  As you examine the thoughts, can you reframe them?  Are they true?  Exaggerated?  Can you see the other person’s point of view?  Can you share feelings directly?  Can you choose to strengthen the relationship rather than burying your thoughts and feelings?  Choose your thoughts and your emotions.

And, choose to act.  Because EQ is a choice.  It is a set of  behaviors that have a profound impact on our lives.  If I  could do one thing  differently, it would be to strengthen my EQ  in my youth.  Because to live with this insight today, is truly life altering.  I no longer bury my emotions.  I own them.  Understand them.  Honor them.

You can too.

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