Lately I’ve been training so much on emotional intelligence, or EQ.  Some of it by design, some of it is more organic in conversations that turn to the affect of emotions.  And often the question becomes, what “to do” about them.  Or I’ve also heard leaders say, “I wear my heart on my sleeve.”  Saying this with the objective of trying to change that, a bad thing, something to be corrected.

EQ is understanding your emotions and those of others around you and using this insight to guide your behaviors and actions.  There are 4 domains:  Self-Awareness, Self-Management,  Social Awareness & Relationship Management.  EQ has been studied for decades, Daniel Goleman and Travis Bradberry have brought it to the mainstream.  Both have studied the impact of EQ at work.  It is a differentiator and is correlated to high performance.

I remember working with an executive, let’s call him Pete, who measured as a 3 on a scale assessing personal warmth.  I tried exceptionally hard to engage him as we developed his leadership plan.  I didn’t want this to be transactional for him--I wanted it to be transformational. Not shockingly, it wasn't.  We just focused on the content of the plan.  And after awhile, I became more detached in the relationship with him, anxious to get the plan done.  I could feel the shift occurring, because emotions are contagious.  

So, in thinking of Pete, or working with a leader who wore their heart on their sleeve?  I’d say, yes please give me your heart and your sleeve.  At least I’d have a gauge of what’s going on in that person’s head or heart.  It’s authentic.  It’s data and insight that many people try hard to compartmentalize.  To not let it show.  

For fear of what?  So often it starts with our beliefs.  Consider these beliefs about emotions and see which if any resonate with you.  

• If I lose control of my emotions in front of others, they will think less of me.
• I should be able to control my emotions; or cope with difficulties on my own.
• If I tell others how I feel, they will use it against me or they'll think I'm weak.
• Other people don’t feel this way. There must be something wrong with me.
• I’m stupid for feeling this way.  I should just suck it up!

According to Positive Psychology, these are false beliefs.  They affect the way we show up at work, how much we engage, how transparent and authentic we are.  They result in controlling emotions rather than expressing them constructively.  There is danger in thinking that emotions are to be controlled, rather than to be felt and understood.  

I’m not advocating to just let emotional reactions fly free with no regard for the impact on others.  Rather being thoughtful about how and when to express and share your emotions with others.  It takes self-awareness, and self-management to choose when and how to communicate emotional experiences in a way that build trust, maintains credibility, and deepens relationships.

So, in trying to strengthen our EQ, it’s important to examine our thoughts and beliefs.  Consider:

1.      How would you describe your relationship with your emotions?
2.      What are your beliefs about expressing emotions in the workplace and where did those beliefs come from?
3.      What are the consequences to you of continuing to hold on to any false beliefs you may have?
4.      How might exploring EQ improve your leadership effectiveness?
5.      If it’s true that your emotions are contagious, what are you spreading?

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